I write what I like.

A Mock State of the Nation Address of 2019: President Yoweri Kaguta Museveni slurring it through..

His Excellency the Vice President, Ssekandi are you still there?

Rt. Hon. Speaker of Parliament, did the witch help you out this year?

His Lordship the Chief Justice, was the envelope for age limit helping you?

Rt. Hon. Deputy Speaker, your still my friend, right?

His Lordship the Deputy Chief Justice, cash money, right?

Rt. Hon. Prime Minister, don’t bother about the dying in land-slide, we will eat, I promise!

Rt. Hon. Deputy Prime Ministers, hope your enjoying office?

Rt. Hon. Leader of the Opposition, I miss Winnie Kiiza, your not up to par.

Their Highnesses the Traditional Leaders, I see you when I see you!

Hon. Ministers, don’t sleep in office.

Hon. Members of Parliament, I got some suits for you.

Hon. Members of EALA, hows business, any help to finish this East African Confederation?

Members of the Diplomatic Corps, don’t beat up police officers, it makes me look bad!

Distinguished Guests, open your earholes, I got a lecture for you!

Ladies and Gentlemen. Don’t tune of your radio or TV, even you do, the newspapers tomorrow will have transcripts of my speech!

I am only here to fulfil the Constitutional duty of my office, also because I forgot to amend the clause. So that you don’t got to listen to me Madam Speaker. Please remind me to have a loyal subject to issue an Private bill in the coming year. So I have don’t have to do this again.

Let’s congratulate ourselves on this year, as we have had landslides, border squabble, Parliament attacked by Special Forces Command, cheating the stats on immigrants, Americans abducted and me getting Life Presidency. Thank you for this all, its been a pleasure serving you all.

We are having debt financing and financial deficits are growing, also we’re having an economic downturn. However, my astounding ladies and gentlemen, we’re are trading more with our neighbours, we are having more shillings in the economy in the rotation. Not that I care that its has half the value of the shilling as when I took over, but don’t tell my loyal comrades that. We are using trillions now and not billions. This shows that I have made you all an fortune.

We have built roads, all over the Republic, this being the Nile River Bridge, which have to repair again and again, because of the technical difficulties of the moist river. I would have fired the company building it, but they wouldn’t let me. If I did, I wouldn’t have gotten the loan and eaten half of the funds.

I am proud of the 0,9 Kilometres built in Lira, which just opened a few weeks ago. This shows, that the northerners are finally getting something in return for the bloodshed done in the past. Even though they own me, not to forget the people of Gulu who should repay me for the building of a round-about this year.

We had plans of starting the Standard Gauge Railway from Kenya this year, to easier finish the bottleneck to Mombasa. As we needs to export G-Nuts, illegal gold from Democratic Republic of Congo and maids to the Middle East. To be able to this quicker, we needs a functioning railroad, however, the Chinese doesn’t see this a viable project and they screwed me over. I blame, the British for not building it to last, the lunatic express and Sir Charles Norton Edgecumbe Eliot should have finished this for us. So, that I don’t have to beg the Beijing administration for help. I hate begging, unless they donate me weapons!

I am no focusing on enriching myself more, the new hospital Lubowa will be one of my cash-cows, even more than the ones I earning a fortune on my farm in Rwakitura. UMEME still sucks, but we soon are having more hydropower to export elsewhere. The load-shedding will continue, because that is Gods will as it says somewhere in the bible.

I sowed the mustard seed a long time ago, it is now starting to get ripe for yield. I know it took many years, but I have awaited for this so long, Mama Janet has waited this too, so that she can boil me a good curry, since I got no idea how to cook. If not, I got Don Wanyama to pick some Chicken In Tonight to one of my estates. It is important to feast and endure for all the hard times in the Bush. Remember we didn’t have cellphones in the bush. That is why MTN should pay more taxes and also, honour me, by not spying on me for the Rwandan espionage, even if the CMI and ISO is on the job. They are some lazy individuals, whose job is to take the foreign nationals at the border and waterboard them into submission. This Kagame used to be cool, but I think I offended him in Congo with stealing lumber, but he should understand as much Coltan as his taking on the daily. Everyone should get that! He is mad about a little wood, it is good for the economy and I can buy furniture from every neighbourhood in Kampala because of it. It is high quality. Especially, if I get my chicken, as promised by my loyal subjects in the State House.

Mwenda always says to me “Mzee, why are you not hiring more men like me?”. I, I have to answer him before he shake “well, my child, I hired all of you, I couldn’t eat myself, the economy cannot grow that way, always remember that my child”. Then he goes to rear goats as any noble subject do. This is what I learn you people. That is why the Rwenzururu King Charles Mumbere is still in Exile and not yet punished. He shouldn’t have questioned me or my authority. Neither should any of this reds, these people’s power. I am the people and the PO-WAH!

This BOBI Wiine, who is he really? A singer, a man who makes songs? He should stick to singing. Even dancing with Sheeba. Not be in Parliament, he isn’t an MP. When was he really a member? Bobi Wine, shouldn’t promote alcohol, that is bad for you. Even if Jesus served wine, it was as a token of his sacrificed. What has Wine sacrificed? Nothing. He has done nothing? He didn’t even throw the Arua stone? When does these people learn? I sacrificed everything in bush with 26 men. You should be lucky, if I leave this Republic in debt with troubling loans to China, Moscow and the World Bank. I did it because I deserve it. You don’t deserve power, if you think so? You should go to the Bush and fight me, like I did Idi Amin and Obote. Who cares about Yusuf Lule, except I named him a road to shut-up the public for a hot minute.

You will know, that were on the way to a middle income country, at least my estates and my fortunes are the size of Dagnote and Jay Z. I am so wealthy, that is why I always donate when I travel and campaign. You should be greatful for these gifts, as when I was a kid in ankole and the politician visited. They only gave pledges and promises, they didn’t give ten thousands of shillings, a t-shirt and food. No, they came empty handed and didn’t do anything, then this British built a school for me to get educated and enlighten you, my grandchildren and subjects.

I am your fountain of honour, if there is anything wrong in this pearl of Africa. Remember it is not my fault, it is these foreigners, this pests, these whose not sensitized or understand the Pan-African wisdom of our forefathers, of the ones who teaches us lessons and who made proverbs, which I have misused all my life.

Let it be known to the world and beyond, that I intend to rule for life, until the end of my journey. Besigye should have understood that, but he never did. He will never get the throne, that is for my son Maj. Gen. Muhoozi to take, when I have taken my last breath. My Generals and My Comrades knows this in NRM CEC. We have discussed it many times, but never revealed the minutes of this.

Also, if there is for someone to forget, I did fight ADF, I did order the destruction of the LRA, but they will not return to their homeland, let it be known, that me and Kabila is cool. Let it be known, that these allegations of supporting foreign rebels is partly true, but only to piss-off the Rwandan authorities, who should understand. I could order another helicopter or airplane crash if I wanted too, but haven’t yet. There was some talk by the TVO guy about interception of French Intelligence, by the Rwandan earlier in the year, but that is rubbish. I don’t talk to the French, barely even the US AFRICOM, even if they support me and us in AMISOM. But it is so tiring and they want explanations from me, why the Al-Shabaab is still there. I have told them to grow farms and earn money on four acres, but these Americans doesn’t understand the concept. They just want McDonalds and pesticides. We Africans cannot have that!

The last issues, as we go into these elections, don’t worry and don’t vote for this opposition candidates. They are not doing anything anyway and the ones who work for me does even less. But they vote the way I want and follows my demands. If they are not part of the NRM Caucus, they are sheep walking in blind and will fall over a cliff, do you want them to that? No, you don’t want that. You want them to follow me, like Paul talked about the saviour, I am saving the MPs and their futures. You should ensure, that you get people who follow me and I can guide them. I have done this for so long and the opposition is new. They will terrorise you and you will wiped out of the map. We don’t want to lose districts, but generate more districts. It is a sign of greatness to have more districts than King Solomon had wives. That is why I ask my RDCs and my Generals, where shall we have a new one? Where is the most in need of a municipality and a sub-county? So, that the country can be vigorously moving forward. This bottleneck will be fought. We cannot afford it, but we can always borrow from an international bank or ask for donations. Which I do all the time, especially when I travel abroad.

If you think I would share the future oil revenue with the public, your wrong, that is why we have spent the future earnings before the petroleum even have been drilled. But remember, the British enclave, didn’t know about these vast resources, I found them and could smell them from one of my farms.

So with this, madam speaker, I am opening the next session, the fourth in the 10th Parliament, but you see. We still have time and we have to use this time. Even if time is such a vast subject, which should be studied at Makerere and Kyambogo, even by my Presidential Advisors, so that I could go back in time. Just like you wished you could go back in time, instead of listening to me ranting this speech.

I thank you so much for listening to me, remember, you had to, because of the Constitution I gave you all in 1995. Thank you.

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